Blended,
Not Stirred
A
Matter of Relative Perspective
By Michaele Birney Arneson
"The more I know, the more
I realize I don't know." |
 |
Albert Einstein made this
observation of himself in the early 1900s after a series of
attempts to characterize the relation between space and time,
a hot topic of research among physicists at the time. Eventually,
he arrived at the core of his "theory of relativity,"
which concludes that there is no absolute motion in the universe,
only relative motion -- the state of one object is perceived
relatively from the viewpoint of a separate object.
If I haven't lost you
already, you're probably wondering what the heck this all has
to do with blended families.
It has to do with the
personal realization that the longer I'm in my blended- family
situation, the more I realize there's a lot I don't know about
such situations. I started out thinking, "I'm a mom with
two bio kids and three step kids, so I know what it means to
be a blended family," but in researching and reading and
talking with other blended families, I soon realized that my
relative perspective of what a blended family is was really
quite limited.
According to the Stepfamily
Association of America (SAA), a stepfamily is a household in
which a parent marries a person who is not his or her child's
other (usually biological) parent.
The SAA's definition
is consistent with what my definition of a blended family was,
based on my personal experience, but I began wondering, "What
about families in which neither parent is the child's biological
parent? What are those families called?" Terms such as
foster family, adoptive family, and nontraditional family came
to mind, and I pondered if these categories should also be included
in my blended family definition.
When my husband and I
first married and joined our families, many eyebrows were raised
and questions were asked when we stated that we had five children,
all within six years of age. Although we were comfortable in
discussing our respective divorces, renewed romance (we were
high school sweethearts 15 years earlier), and subsequent marriage,
our children have not always been so, and prying questions from
outsiders often led to uncomfortable situations for our children
and those questioning. Often, from other people's perspectives,
our divorces were a negative thing, which was not necessarily
the case. I found, however, that after I started referring to
our family as a blended family, many of the questions stopped.
People's relativity moved to a more positive and accepting position.
I imagine there are families
out there that have situations more difficult than ours and
would benefit from a change in other people's relative perspective.
Modifying the SAA's definition of a blended family, I'd like
to suggest that all families raising a child (or children) who
is not one or both of the "parents" biological child
is a blended family. It is an accurate term and hopefully one
that our society is more comfortable in accepting.
So now that I've stated
that I know less than I thought about being a blended family
and then broadened the definition of what I think a blended
family is, I now need your help. Let me know what interests
you, as a blended family member. What do you want to know more
about? What is important to you? What is your blended-family
situation, and how can Busy Parents Online be a resource to
you?
