Toilet Lessons
Learned
By Tenna Perry
My name is Catherine and
my teacher, Miss Jenny, was talking in class the other day
about how scientists do research to find things out. While
she was telling us about it, I realized me and Bubba had been
doing scientific research for a long time. Momma and Daddy
just didn't know that was what we were doing.
Miss Jenny said scientists
decide on something they want to find out, then do tests to
see what happens. She asked if we had seen the TV commercials
about the crashing cars with the dummies inside and said that
those crashes were a form of research. Well, me and Bubba do
research on toilets. When I tried explaining it to Momma, she
called it "toiletology." Sounds like a fancy name
for just finding out what a toilet will or will not let go
down.
For example, did you know
that plastic hammers won't flush but a Barbie sometimes will?
Other times she will go part way but her head keeps popping
back out of the hole.
Dogs don't like the dark
when the lid is slammed down on their heads.
A
box of Momma's tampons will swirl and eventually go down
but two of
her pads won't.
Remote controls won't quite make it through the loop.
Softballs plug up the exit and your feet get wet.
Cordless phones make funny
noises after a good dunking. They won't
dial anymore but do make a strange sound like a parakeet being
strangled.
Mom's new lipstick goes
just fine but if it is opened, it can leave
interesting designs on the inside of the toilet bowl.
The big double-sized rolls
of Charmin would work better on poopy butts if already wet.
If you try to flush the whole roll though,
your
feet get wet.
Dog food swells in the water and never wants to go down.
Cats don't like toilets. There is no accounting for tastes.
If Momma doesn't know
you have gone to poop, a coat hanger works great
to make the poop pop back up like Daddy's fishing corks.
If washrags are dirty
and need washing, why haul them to the laundry
mat when there is a perfectly good toilet bowl handy? You have
to hang
on to them with the coat hanger though. Otherwise, they go down
the
hole.
Shampoo makes bubbles
if given enough swirl. Sometimes extra water is
needed from the tub.
Belts always get caught
on the buckle. We need to do more research on
how to rid them of that problem. Daddy doesn't understand the
need for
clean belts.
Dogs prefer the toilet
for drinking so why not put the water bowl in
the toilet bowl to save space? Just make sure you take the bowl
out
before Daddy gets up in the morning and goes into the bathroom
without
turning on the light.
Parents get mad if you
put anything but dead goldfish in the toilet.
Live ones get you in trouble (Note: they insist on seeing the
dead
goldfish.).
Books float, will eventually sink, but get feet wet.
Fish tank gravel just
sits at the bottom and does nothing. Definitely not worth the
effort of listening to Momma complain about having
to
dig it out.
Other things parents don't
like to dig out are their toothbrushes, hairbrushes, wallets,
bars of soap and coke bottles.
Parents just don't understand the serious nature of true research.
Tenna Perry lives happily in the country with her husband, three
children, five collies, one cat and a hedgehog with an attitude.
She
writes on a variety of subjects but dedicates a great deal of
her
writing time on fighting all forms of child abuse. She is the
founder/editor of the ezine Survivor Haven, Abuse and Safety
editor at
Busy Parents Online and contributing editor on child sexual abuse
at
Suite101.com.
