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Three Dozen Eggs = 600 Square Feet and One Bare Behind
By Tenna Perry

My name is Catherine and Momma said I could tell you the story about Bubba and the eggs.

Momma had laid Bubba down for his nap and went back to her office to write, so I was able to watch Blues Clues without any interruptions. Well Blue went off, the Bear in the Big House came on and in a little while Bubba woke up. He came in the living room and tried to take my peanut butter sandwich Momma had made me and got mad when I wouldn't let him have it.

He took off for the kitchen and I don't know why Momma says he is too little to make his own sandwich, but I swear that is what I thought he was going to do. Besides, the Bear was going off and it was time to change the channel to Scooby Doo.

Well, Bubba got in the icebox and I didn't know he had the eggs until he tried bouncing one off the side of Momma's china cabinet. Did you know eggs straight out of the little yellow cartons don't bounce? I didn't, but I told him Momma was gonna get mad if he tried to bounce anymore. Isn't it just like a Bubba though? He didn't listen to me!

I tell you, it was really cool when he would throw from the kitchen and the egg would kind of explode as it hit Momma's dinning room chairs. The yellow stuff would fly in all directions but the clear stuff would keep going till it came into the living room. One time, the egg went through the rail things on the back of the chair and actually hit the front door!

He did try the kitchen cabinets but just didn't get the same splatter pattern as the long-range throws. I have to admit it took all the eggs from three yellow holder things that Momma brought home from the store, but Bubba got the entire dining and living room floors, the kitchen cabinets, all six of the dining room chairs, some of the walls and the front door covered with slime.

We had so much fun! If you want to really slide on a wood floor, try a few eggs. You don't have to get a running start or anything. In fact, Momma just came around the corner of the couch and slid all the way to the TV!

On top of sliding, the clear, slimy part of the egg squishes up between your toes good, too. It is kind of nasty though, once it starts to dry. Bubba had taken his diaper off and he had the yellow egg stuff up the crack of his behind and it had run down his legs. Momma really had a time getting the dried yellow stuff off him back there.

Being five, I had better sense than to sit in the stuff and try to slide. That's what God made feet for! I must say I don't understand why Momma got so mad about it all. She was bragging to Daddy when she came home from the store that she had only paid forty-nine cents for each of those yellow carton things. It's not like Bubba had wasted a whole dollar or something like that. Besides, they always have stacks of those carton things when we go to the store. On top of that, she was standing there fussing at us when she took two whole things of salt and covered the floors with it. Everybody knows you aren't supposed to spill salt and here she was throwing the stuff all over the house! If she had listened to me, she would have let the dogs in first and then cleaned up what was left. Spike cleaned the cabinets just fine when I let him in.

Now she is on a tear telling Daddy she is going to put a lock on the icebox like she did the freezer. She did that after I gave the dogs the big weenie-looking things that were sitting beside the ice cream bars. Mom kept asking me, "You couldn't have given them the cheap sausage? You had to give the GOOD stuff?" I think they deserve the good stuff and they sure ate it quick. Squeaky was awful funny-looking, trying to choke down that big piece of frozen stuff while Shamrock was trying to get it away from him. But then Squeaky...oh yeah, the eggs.

Well, as you can guess, Momma came in and caught Bubba with egg up his behind and in his hair, then she started fussing. It was so funny. Momma was griping about what Bubba had done (I only went sliding, I didn't throw the eggs) and she was holding him straight out from her and his behind was glued shut from the eggs, his hair was dried and sticking in all directions in pointy yellow spikes, and his feet were dripping stuff down Momma's bare feet and legs. She was slipping and sliding in the eggs and trying to get to the bathroom without getting the egg all over her, but, well, then she slipped in the hallway. Oh, I forgot to tell you the eggs went as far as the hallway when they hit the china cabinet instead of the chairs didn't I?

I got bored watching her clean the floors, cabinets, doors and TV, so I took a nap. At least I was sleeping pretty good until she went in and sat in her chair where Bubba had left that one egg he didn't get around to throwing.

Tenna Perry lives happily in the country with her husband, three children, five collies, one cat and a hedgehog with an attitude. She writes on a variety of subjects but dedicates a great deal of her writing time on fighting all forms of child abuse. She is the founder/editor of the ezine Survivor Haven, Abuse and Safety editor at Busy Parents Online and contributing editor on child sexual abuse at Suite101.com.

 
 
 
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